On Being a Single Mother.

On Being a Single Mother.

I've always known that motherhood was going to be the absolute hardest thing I would ever do in my life. I’ve seen mothers selflessly do everything to keep their families in order, chase around screaming babies, have diaper explosions in public places and spend their days teaching and giving until there's no more left to teach and give. I grew up with a mom who put me first all of the time. She drove me everywhere, came to every school event, helped me with school projects, planned fun birthday sleepovers and always always tried to give me all I wanted. She was always there. She was always present and involved.

I knew that was the kind of mom I wanted to be. So, I always knew it was going to be hard, and to be completely honest, was something that I oddly never ever really looked forward to.

Yeah, I just said that...I had not dreamed of being a mom my entire life like some girls. Hell, I've never even thought about my "dream wedding". For me, it would mean that I would not be just taking care of myself, but would be forever responsible for sweet little beings that relied heavily on me. It would mean that I couldn't do everything I wanted, and I would lose patience {which I do a LOT}, and would get frustrated and annoyed and the list goes on and on and on and on. I'm the kind of person where if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right and do my best not to fail. I put everything I have into what's important to me and I knew I had to be at a point in my life where I could give all of me to my child.

All the reasons above are selfish, as I now so honestly realize.

And I know that, but that’s why I knew it was going to be so hard for me.

I have been around little ones all of my life as friends and family have had babies and have gotten engaged, married, pregnant; in that order and not in that order. But when that sweet little miracle came into their life that was it for them. Being a mom was tough but so worth it as it always seemed from the outside.

That just never seemed to be me. Maybe not that I never WANTED a child but that I never thought I would get married and have a family. I just didn’t know if it was in the cards for me.

Until I found out I was pregnant and had Jackson. No, it was not planned or expected. I was not married and not in the least bit stable enough to have a child but with and without all of those “things”, I knew in that moment that I was ready to be a mom. Funny how timing works.  Funny how that happens. And now here it is nearly 2 and a half years later and by the grace of God, I am here as a Single Mother and it's as hard as I've always feared that it would be.

BUT I've learned to laugh all the hard times off, because at the end of the day, whether your kid is 2, 10, 25 or 30...and whether you work or stay at home, have 5 kids or 1, whether you’re a single mother or happily married with an amazingly supportive husband...whether you pushed those 7 lbs out yourself or adopted…


It's a universal truth that just is.

But all of the crazy stuff becomes worth it.

Because life is SO much better having Jackson than when I didn’t.

Because I AM forever responsible for this sweet being who relies heavily on me and I am happy that I now have that sweet being that does.

Because I DON’T always get to do what I want and I do lose my patience and get annoyed but at the end of the day all I want is for him to be happy and taken care of.

Because when I have days of doubt that what I’m doing is right and good, he lets me know that it is right and good.

Because when all I do is scream and cry because doing all of this on my own without a supportive husband is hard, he looks at me with those BIG blue eyes and says “Momma I love you so much”.

It doesn't even matter how hard it gets because nothing will ever be as hard as not having him.

It doesn’t even matter how hard it gets because I AM doing it on my own without a supportive husband and I am PROUD of that. No, it was not what I wanted or dreamed my life at 30 would be like but this is my life and I am doing the best I can and that’s ALL that matters.

I am not the picture perfect mother who has it all together but I am a Mother and I AM a Good Mother and I am the Mother that I always wanted to be. 

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Black & Gold Love

Black & Gold Love