Raw.

Raw.

I’ve begun to understand myself better. In the moments I don’t answer calls and texts from certain people. In the moments I smile when all I want to do is cry. I’ve begun to read between the moments where I feel weak and human and the moments I feel strong and divine.

I’ve begun to understand myself and I've begun to laugh more, at myself. But not in the, "I’ll laugh at myself before someone else can", but more in the way you laugh because you feel honored to have glimpsed that part of your life. 

I've begun to understand that I want to be better to myself in so many different ways. That I want to workout to get rid of the anxieties of a past that sometimes still haunt me, because when those anxieties creep up ever so slowly and then hit me all at once, all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and pick away at my fingers which is such a nasty habit. I know. Deep breath. In. Out.  I’ve begun to understand that I need to just breathe, feel what I am feeling, and then move past it. 

I’ve begun to take my own advice. I’m still so damn young, and so damn blessed with depth, desire, and opportunity. I’m such a wonderful thing, with my bones and my smile. With my heart. 

I am a fool hearted girl. I am a hungry wolf. I am a collection of stardust. I am a fighter. I am working out the math equation that is life on a giant chalk board. Working with tiny pieces of chalk because I press too hard when I get excited and the chalk cracks apart in my fingers, crumbling. 

I am a loud talker. Whether mad or excited, I AM LOUD and the way I walk with the sass that most can see. 

I am that kind of woman. 

I am also rather indifferent right now.
Not about life, of course, in that regard I am very excited and fulfilled. {sorta}
I am indifferent that there will be a partner, a man, a contingent in crime.

I have dated, near, far, far, near. I have concluded that perhaps love, or the equivalent needs to just hit me on the head. Without warning. 

It’s been so close. As if each relationship I have had has brought me closer to the match I not only crave, but need.

Why am I the one working spells and magic over problems? Why am I the one making up for what lacks?

I hate the way we date in this generation. Why must the internet tease us with such prospects? Why must the internet reveal shadows upon those who may have stood a chance?

Good Lord, is it so much to ask for someone to fulfill the expressed desires that I express? 

I want someone to light a fire in my blood, and to have fire in his. I want to have a partner in life, not just a companion. 

I am rolling out of a huge life change, {un}willing to give love a chance. I am neither broken nor battered. I am…guarding my heart. I am loving myself. I am committed to myself. I am short and delightfully full of curves, I am a handful, I am trouble, I am a challenge. I am fire, and ice, earth and wind. I am a f*cking force. 

I laugh. I cry. I fight. I win. I lose. 

I get up, and live.

I just desire a force to be by my side. 

I am that kind of woman. I am Amber Annette. 

For the love of music.

For the love of music.

So THIS is 30.

So THIS is 30.